Jerry, you need to find god
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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