lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
