I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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