I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
