what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
