omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
