Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
