Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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