My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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