24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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