I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
