Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
