I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
