I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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