chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
