He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
