My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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