u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
