Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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