I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
