walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
