I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
