I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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