Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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