Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
