dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
