Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
