chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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