We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
