i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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