Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
