He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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