hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
