Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
