I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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