i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
