They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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