I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
