can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
