also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
