I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my shit smells like andre
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
