Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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