oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
