last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
