I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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