a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
