apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
