dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
