she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
how drunk are you?
Several
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
