It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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