made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
